I had the most wonderful day yesterday, but it disappeared just as fast. I don't understand.

$150 gone.

one leather jacket
one windbreaker/jacket
one light jacket
three pairs of panties
one bathing suit
one hard case wallet
two pairs of shorts
one nail file thingy
one tank top
one plaid tunic thingymabob
two black skirts

and some other things i don't remember. yeah, not descriptive, i know. guess you have to see em. (:

part two: i need accessories, semi formal shoes, tennis shoes, make up stuff, and NON distressed washed out jeannns, ugh can't find them.

Anacapa #2133
Roommates: Erika & Sophia

I'll call 'em later. Finally found that notebinder thing I wanted so bad. Paid $15 for one at OfficeMax, then found it for $5 clearance at WalMart. So I bought two there, I'll return the other later. Woo, smart shopping. Shopped with mom all day, it was nice. (: Grabbed five $2 microwavable meals from Trader Joe's (MUCH better alternative to driving somewhere to pick up $6+ meals for my lunch break, and RUSHING back... especially since I'm trying to be on the clock as long as possible. I NEED more hours!!!!) Took mommy to Billy B's & then picked up Chris from Oxford. Chatted up all the teachers, man, it's a weird feeling watching Oxford go on without me. Not that I thought it would stop or anything, but... Just weird. Can't put a name to the feeling. But I kind of like it. I think it's called change.

Gonna go watch Twilight downstairs with my brother. I could use a few laughs. (:

So today was even better! I ran four miles with Jesus and the OA xc team. Came back and chatted with Mr. Hoshi, Ms. Gibb, Marissa, Mrs. Smith, everyone. Took the boys to my place to go swimming, watch Chad what's-his-face, the whitest guys you know, and more oddly hilarious videos. Ate spaghetti. Went to work. It was just me and my boss, and I sold 4.5k worth of stuff. Made about $20 in commission, which is kind of a lot for my store's standards... haha. My boss told me I had an outstanding day and everything. I think he really likes me. I feel so at home in that store now, haha. It's so weird how fond I'm getting of it and the customers. Came home on lunch break for some pizza and to check my bank account and my latest statement. Everything is wonderful. I think the only thing that could have made it better would have been coming home to see my baby. (:

Work was amazing today. First of all, I wasn't even scheduled to work, but Erich said come on in. So after staying up at Priya's house, watching House, Friends, and Land of Women (which, by the way, made me fall in love with that Brody guy... and glasses), I woke up, threw on some of her make up (I really need to go buy some white shimmer powder stuff, it's AMAZING) and headed to work. 

I showed up and the whole world was at my store. My boss, my manager, both my coworkers, and some guy from loss prevention. And there were four palettes of merchandise just waiting to be stocked, crowding up the whole back office. For some reason, after all the tension and all the confusion, we all got along great. I felt amazing. My knees were killing me, my thighs were sore as hell, my feet really needed a break, but I spent my whole day working like a truck loader at UPS. It was so funnn. (: I love my work environment. I love how laid back it is. I love how I can joke around with my boss and his boss. I love that I can keep up with the guys, even do better sometimes. I feel like I'm starting to belong at this store, and I'm really going to be sad to leave come college. But I can come back any weekend and work a shift. I have a winter break job. I have a job for next summer. I'm just so excited for everything. Today was amazing. I said hi and smiled at everyone.

It was just one of those days.

Last night you said I probably shouldn't wait on this apology if I wanted things to get better. So I guess you want it now rather than later, sooner rather than better. I didn't really have a clue how I was going to do this anyway. I thought I could show you little by little through my actions and my words, but those take a long time. So my unoriginality and fast approaching (though you won't admit it) deadline have lead me here. I'll write it here, because there must be some value in me putting this somewhere semi-public. Last night, I had some whack reason in my head that sounded really good, but I think it's pretty much the same thing: if I put it out here, for everyone to see, then hopefully you don't think that I'm lying to everyone. Hopefully you believe it to be the truth.

For starters, I'm sorry that I faked my way through so much of this relationship. I'm sorry that all the little things I didn't think mattered really did matter in the long run, and I was too blind to see that and too much of a coward to do anything about it. I'm sorry about all the times I told you things were okay, just because I would rather bottle up my emotions and avoid a petty fight. I'm sorry I never wanted to work towards resolution, because I didn't think we were capable of reaching one. I'm sorry I didn't think we were capable, I never even gave us a chance. I'm sorry I never made it to your last St. Margaret's game. I know it's not really relevant, but I would have killed to see that game. I'm sorry I never went to any of your parties before. I'm sorry I always get lost when I drive us places. I'm sorry I make a big deal out of getting lost because I feel so stupid messing up in front of you. I'm sorry we never have enough time together. And although the time frames aren't really my fault, I'm sorry you weren't the first in line to be the exception to all the rules. I'm sorry for my stupid questions. I'm sorry I never could fall asleep. I'm sorry I let you believe things were getting better--they were getting better!--but other things were getting worse, and for some reason I'd already made up my mind. I'm sorry I'm stubborn. I'm sorry I don't know who I am or what I want. I'm sorry I hurt you so much just so I can figure my own self out. I'm sorry I didn't buy you more things. I'm sorry I didn't spoil you more. I'm sorry I couldn't muster up that almost infatuation sort of phase I went through with everyone before you. I'm sorry I was guarded. I'm sorry it took so long for me to change. I'm sorry I feel like I'm quoting songs... I'm sorry I'm joking, I just don't want you to get too sad or mad reading this. I'm sorry you weren't my priority, even though I said you were and you should have been. I'm sorry I gave you the go ahead for so many things I wasn't ready for. I'm sorry I never told you I was struggling to keep up. I'm sorry you have such a large capacity to give and get love, and I can't even receive love properly, let alone give it. I'm sorry we didn't take more pictures at prom. I'm sorry we were fighting through all of senior week. I'm sorry I've made you cry so much. I'm sorry I've only cried a fraction of the tears you have. I'm sorry I can't seem to show my sadness. I'm sorry I don't know what to do. I'm sorry because this sounds so insincere, but I really mean it all. I'm sorry I can't turn my thoughts off for just one second, and really just lead with my heart. I'm sorry I couldn't let you help me so much sooner than this. I'm sorry we don't always see eye to eye. I'm sorry that we started the way we did. I'm sorry we weren't friends long before. I'm sorry I made you think I was worth it. I'm sorry you can't see that you could do much better. I'm sorry I can't push past all the walls, even though I know things are so much better just beyond them... I'm sorry you never get any sleep. I'm sorry your job seems to be lowering your life expectancy. I'm sorry I clogged your toilet. I'm sorry I suck at fifa. I'm sorry I can never find the silverware at your house. I'm sorry I wasn't any better than her. I'm sorry you never seem to get what you deserve. I'm sorry that you always gave and gave and gave and I never gave anything back. I'm sorry because I know there's something missing from this apology, but I just don't know what, so I'll just keep writing. I'm sorry we fought about money. I'm sorry we fought about time. I'm sorry we fought about each other, about expectations, about truth and honesty and love. I'm sorry we fought about nothing sometimes. I'm sorry we fought at all, and I never want to do it again. I"m sorry about the apartment. I'm sorry you made so many plans for us. I'm sorry that I 'm not sure what to do or say around you because I'm dying to tell you I love you, but I don't know if that will make you sad, make you happy, lift your hopes only to bring them down again... I'm sorry that none of the things I say even have any value anymore, because I've changed my story so often. And I'm sorry that I can't make you see I was telling the truth all along, just the wrong way. I'm sorry you don't believe me, but you want to believe me. I'm sorry I can't give you any real reason to trust me other than the fact that I need you in my life. And I'm most sorry that I can't add that simple phrase at the end: "and I'll do anything to keep you here." Because I can't do anything, not right now. I'm already so far out of my comfort zone, I'm lost. And I'm sorry I'm so scared to try, I'm sorry you think it's all fear, but I really do just need time. And I'm sorry for that. I'm not going to make you wait, not even going to ask. I don't want you to wait. Don't make exceptions for me, don't tell me you care so much for me that you'll wait anyway. At this point, to you, I shouldn't deserve that. But you do, you deserve to keep moving forward. I'm sorry this couldn't work out right now, today, this year. I'm sorry you were ready to go for it, but I wasn't. The only thing I'm not sorry for, won't ever be sorry for, is that this happened. I'm not sorry that I met you, I'm not sorry about the way I feel. I wake up in the morning, unsure of whether I want to cry because I'm happy or cry because I'm sad. What gets me through the day is that I want to cry. Because I remember you. And, Gerard, I love you.

Everything I've ever done
I've done for you
For me.
And I know that I should feel bad
Never meant to make you sad
But that's the way it's gonna be
If I'm ever gonna be
Anybody's anything.

All I ever wanted
Was to make you feel the love
So I could feel the love
Feel your heart beat
Pluck your heart strings
So they resonate to me,
Maybe I would hear the sound
Understand the why and how,
Maybe learn to make my own song sing.

But a real heart, it has memories
Reasons to--or not--believe
A built in feature I can't replicate
Only ponder, contemplate
Try to fake it till I make it
In the process only break it.
Have it shatter
Have it plead to be put back together.
But it's never the same.

It's never the same.

It only breaks more easily
And the pieces aren't a puzzle to fix anymore
They're just a door
Open, close, open, close
A habit, hard to break it
Why'd you make it?
It's so easy,
Try to please (you) me
Say all the right things
Everything
Anything
Right thing, wrong thing.

Everything I've ever done
I've done for you
For me.
I really wish I felt bad
But I'm trying not to feel sad
So you & he & he
Won't ever want me to be
Anybody's anything.

This past week deserves a much better header than "hawaii," but I'm tired and really should be unpacking. Instead, I'm here blogging because I really must tell you about my psychotherapist Kim. (:

To start off, I just have to say, Hawaii has the most amazing beaches. I really and truly appreciated them this time just because of that one night. Three walks back and forth along the coastline, simply because the feeling of pure sand between my toes is such an alien feeling. There's no sticks, no cigarette butts, no rocks or ash. It's pure sand, and it's the most comfortable stuff I've ever walked on. Probably for a good hour I just meandered through couples and little kids still running in and out of the water (which was still unbelievably warm and inviting and... soft). Then I finally walked to a ledge and laid there staring at the stars and the palm trees. Granted, I was in the shittiest of moods, but I couldn't help but be amazed at the perfection of Hawaiian nightfall...

Then Kim showed up. All the sudden there's this lady kneeling beside me asking if I'm alright.

"Little too much to eat? To... drink, maybe?"

I started to sit up but she told me to relax.

"Oh, no, no. Your eyes are clear as day, I can see that. No, no, lay down, sweetheart! Take it easy."

I heard that about a million times while I was on the island. Just RELAX. Slow down. There's no rush, brah. Seriously, though. Every native islander there told me how uptight I was. Not exactly unexpected though.

Despite that frantic voice in my head, my mom's, telling me not to walk alone on a dark beach with a probably half drunk lady, I left my stuff on the ledge and followed her down the beach. This time we were walking right where the waves broke and splashed your ankles and sometimes reached to your knees. Every time it came rushing to meet me, I would flinch away and she'd stand there, getting her white pants wet and sandy saying, "It's just water, babe! I don't give a rip about water! Just relax, you're so uptight! Slow down and enjoy it." 

It was a long walk. But I got the point. Take it easy. Not everything in life is a race. For some reason, that walk on the beach really got to me. I slowed my stride. At night the ocean blends into the sky, into the stars and the unknown. You're on an island, and you feel so small, but you're part of a big beautiful...something. And she kept talking. Somehow, in the space of about five minutes, she got me talking. About my parents, my love life, my dreams and aspirations. She reminded me I actually have dreams and aspirations. She let me talk and talk, and her white pants kept getting more and more soaked. She asked who I really was.

"Who are you, really? Not what your parents want you to be, not what you think they want you to be. Who do you want to be? What's inside you?"

I said "I don't know" and she spun me around and made it clear I wasn't ever to use that as an answer. But I didn't know what she wanted to say. 

"I don't know who I am. I've spent so long being what I think I'm supposed to be for so many other people, but I don't know what I want."

"Of course you do. It's inside you, man. It's not about them. I don't give a rip about them, man. What's inside you? What do you want? It's in there, you gotta find it."

By the way, she's a therapist. Been one for twenty years, because it's what she loves. She was brought to Hawaii by her love. They drifted, but she still loves her. She's got a son, "flaming red hair," and a name that means flower in... Hebrew? Sevyen or something. I thought it was a good name. She talked about how her son is her "heartbeat" and how she's moving out to check up on her parents. When she leaves, she's getting rid of all her stuff in her apartment. Giving it all away. "It brought me so much happiness, why not someone else?" She looked to the sky like there's nothing but beauty out there for us to find. Something about this lady just struck a chord with me. I found myself wanting to be like her one day. Full of stories and understanding and unbridled love. She was so sincere in a way I don't think I've ever been out loud.

She read me like a book. Asked all the right questions. I honestly found myself interested in listening to her in such a way that made me feel guilty I'd never actually been this genuinely engrossed in another person before. She held my eyes. Something I realized I never do unless I'm holding back feelings. But I was letting them out. And it felt good. The only regret I have is not letting go right then and there. That could have been my outlet to cry like I haven't cried in years. But I wanted to keep the conversation alive and not about me.

She told me how she drove to Barking Sands, a secluded desert of sand in Hawaii. "We had a Mustang. A little low thing, right off the floor. And the sand, it was up to here! And then it was up to the doors. We were stuck, and I saw a local, and I said "ey bruddah, try helpa seesta out?" And that sand was hot like you wouldn't believe. I mean, so hot you didn't want to walk on it. That bad. And our friend, he dove right on in there. He crawled his way right under the sand, and he got us out. How do you return something like that? How do you someone who reaches on in and plucks on your heartstrings like that? How do you give that back?"

How do you? More importantly, how do you touch someone like that? More than ever, I felt that need to give. She poked and pried and prodded until I told her what was inside me.

"I've always wanted to be a teacher. But for some reason, it never seemed good enough."

"Well, what do you love? What's in your heart, man?"

"I love kids, I love watching them grow, helping them grow."

"So be a teacher."

How ridiculously simple is that?

"It's not what they want. Don't give a rip what they want. It's what's inside you. What makes you happy? What is your passion?"

It's what's in your heart.

Thank you, Kim.

There's a letter in my journal. And so many songs in my head. I woke up remembering. It feels like, if I could just talk to you normally, it would be as if I never lost you. I prayed to wake up with feelings. I'm still figuring out if it worked.



i'm not coming back
(forgive me)
i've done something so terrible
i'm terrified to speak
(i'm not calling, i'm not calling)
but you'd expect that from me
i'm mixed up, i'll be blunt, now the rain is just
(you're driving me crazy, i'm)
washing you out of my hair

and out of my mind
keeping an eye on the world,
from so many thousands of feet off the ground,
i'm over you now
i'm at home in the clouds,
and towering over your head...

Wooo, parents back from Boston. Brought me this suuuper cute bag in purple. Freakin tight. They gave it to me all unzipped and it was like, feet and feet of what looked like ribbon. And you keep zipping and all the sudden it's a super cute purse! (:

I don't think I'll ever know what it's like to be on the other side.



she said, "no one is alone the way you are alone"
and you held her looser than you would have
if you ever could have known.

some things tie your life together,
slender threads and things to treasure
days like that should last
and last
and last

but you've already lost
when you only had
barely enough
of her to hang on...

I never thought I'd do a lot of the things I do now. I never thought they would effect me this way. I keep wanting to write something in this journal because I've been posting less and less. But I just don't feel... well, I don't feel like it's a good idea to post most of what I want to say. It should be written down in a real journal. One that no one will ever read. I still get these urges to share things for the sake of sharing them, but my head tells me it's not worth it. It's not a good idea. So what do I write about? My thoughts aren't for sharing... I wish I had some I could share. Well, I do. But I don't want to broadcast them to the world.

I miss my friends. I miss seeing them every day. Having one on ones when we need them. I miss you guys.

I miss high school.

I miss my long hair. I miss seeing you every day. I miss when you were all possibilities, not failed attempts. I miss my flawless skin. I miss not caring about clothes. I miss stupid classes like cp2. I miss lame cafeteria choices. I miss watching you all grow up beside me. I miss cast parties. I miss the opportunities to capture our friendships on film. I miss the chances I had to get to know you all better. I miss choir shows. I miss knowing everyone on campus by--at least--face.I miss having 08 and 07 and 06 around to guide us. I miss Spanish camp. I miss the chances we never took: secret class committee, prank crew, the parties we planned but never held... I miss goofing off like we used to. I miss when you all thought better of me. I miss carefree, naive, innocent little Lisa. I miss a lot of things.

I hope the next few months is long enough to help me let go.

The weirdest thing is just knowing that the last six years of my life are now set in stone. I graduated high school. I'm not going back. What happened there, happened. It's never going to change. You can't go back.

I was thinking about making this my credit card. Can we retake a better one with all my loves in it?

So I've been meaning to post for ages now. But there's been so much going on, and I just keep racking up more and more to say.

I'm so excited for college it's unbelievable. But at the same time, orientation made me realize how sad I am to be leaving this chapter in my life. But for me, I'm more sad because I feel like I missed a few things, rather than being sad that I have to leave these amazing memories behind. Because, really, I feel like I didn't make the most of it that I could have. And so, I'm more than stoked to try and make college memories that I'll be devastated to leave behind... I was listening to the Ataris: "being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives..." All those songs make me tear up lately, it's weird. Like I said, something about leaving this chapter behind just seems so final... It's not like we're even "grown up" yet, we're still getting there. And I'm more than certain I have tons more memories ahead of me. But still, it's a little devastating. So I'm ready to live up the rest of this summer. (:

And I'm doing it. Right now, I work just about every day, for at least 6 hours or so. It's great. I love it. I learn so fast and so much. I can clean all your guyses pools now if you like. (: Haha, really though, I'm starting to love this job more than Baskins. All I miss is the tips. But my coworkers are cooler, my boss is WAAAY cooler, the customers are really fun, and I feel USEFUL. This really shouldn't be a minimum wage job though, haha. I scooped ice cream for $8/hr, now I'm doing water chemistry tests, selling chemicals, diagnosing pools and parts... same salary. Whatever, I'm enjoying it, and now I have a job to come back to every summer. Hooray!

What else.. I got a ton off my to do list. I finally finished all my thank you cards. They took FOREVER to make and write and send out. But they're done now. And then I returned all the college stuff bought at NOT target, because I got about $250 to target at my grad party. So, if you couldn't guess, I've been going on target shopping sprees all week. I have a whole corner of my room dedicated to all the stuff I'm stashing away for college. I have almost everything now. I just have two more returns to make to bp mall and I need to buy a laptop case. I bought my textbooks really cheap online, aaaaand I got my car washed so I can put on my UCSB decal!!!! I swear, my brother BETTER not take it off when I leave. Harvey is MY baby. MY car.

Workin' all week except Tuesday and Thursday, so I'm takin' baby out to movies & a surpriseee. (:

I love my life. It's good being in control of your own life... <3

"quitting would be failing yourself.
and quitting would be YOU not caring.

i say rise above. "

Someone said this in response to this entry back in November 2007. I never found out who it was. I just wanted to say thanks. I've taken that advice a long ways. I forget it sometimes... but it holds so much truth. Thank you.

Some people are like pencils. I am like a piece of paper. What I need now is an eraser.

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

This is just a note to self. I figured I should think about what classes I want to take before I stumble around aimlessly at orientation. I want to dabble in everything before I make any decisions.... I want to take classes in these general categories: psychology, kinesiology, photography, compsci, vocal music, spanish, creative writing, business management... Haha, I should probably look at class lists or something. God, I'm going to have a hell of a time just trying to pick a course load for the first quarter. I wanna try some new sports too... Woooo, excited. (:

I didn't care so much what other people think. Especially my parents. They got what they wanted. I'm going to be dependent on them for the rest of my life. Christ. I can't think for myself. The smallest reproach from them just ruins my day.

So fucking weak.